On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples a feast of fat things, a feast of wine on the lees, of fat things full of marrow, of wine on the lees refined. And he will destroy on this mountain the covering that is cast over all peoples, the veil that is spread over all nations. he will swallow death up forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth; for the Lord has spoken.

It will be said on that day, "Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us. This is the Lord; we have waited for him; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation."

Isaiah 25:6-9, from the reading for March 29th.

We are halfway to Pascha (HOORAY!) and this is a beautiful reminder of what we have to look forward to.

The extent to which we love

What needs to differentiate Orthodox from non-Orthodox in America is not the extent to which we can be “Russian” or “Greek” or “Lebanese,” nor is it the extent to which we can be be stranger and weirder than anyone else. Rather, differences should be the extent to which we have such loving parishes that our young ladies wouldn’t consider having an abortion because we are our own social support system, the extent to which we support IOCC and local charities, the extent to which we pray for people, the extent to which we love.

. . . . .

Really, billboards? Really? “This blood’s for you” with a picture of a chalice? Come on. We’re not going to win that one people. Budweiser will always be more popular. Is the Gospel a less consumed competitor of Bud? Or of Coca-cola? The same holds with “trinket evangelism,” in which we print icons on anything with a surface size of at least two square inches. It’s all just about “the Great Commission”? Yes, but only if you realize that Great Commission has a liturgical context. As soon as you do that, I think you’ll pause before marketing Orthodoxy as mere commodity.

Fr. Oliver Herbel reflecting on Self-Ghettoization and Trinket Evangelism in the Orthodox Church.

So we've just completed the third week of Lent, and I feel totally laid out.

I feel like nothing I do is right. Or, rather, I'd like to do the right things - things that are good for me, things that are good for others - but I just have been kind of letting myself atrophy. This week I had all the intentions of being active, reading and getting a significant amount of work done, planning for the next few months, getting things in gear to move blindly forward into the formless void of whatever is next for me in my life.

Self-pity is like self cannibalism, which is a real thing and it's called autosarcophagy and I only googled it because I knew it had a cool Greek name but I don't really want to know about people who try to eat themselves, because that is disgusting.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Self-pity is like self-cannibalism, maybe. I keep eating away at myself, knowing that I shouldn't, but I do it anyway. Sometimes there are movements outside of myself, but after prolonged efforts at this I find myself retreating, alone all day, simultaneously loving it and hating it. I want someone to pull me out, to rescue me, but who can do that? Who will put up with my antics, and my fickleness? No one I know really wants to deal with that. I don't even want to put up with it. I only do because, well, I can't get away from myself - wherever you go, there you are, etc.

Even as I write this I am feeling really down on myself.

I'm really hoping that this week will prove to be a bit more successful, and that I can do things that are good for me. Not like going to the spa and indulging myself, but doing things that are good FOR me - like keeping a routine and reading books and spending time with people and getting out of the house and hiking and eating vegetables.

Today is St. Patrick's day, usually an excuse for people my age to indulge in "kegs and eggs" gatherings, take the day off of work for no damn good reason, and drink green beer and poorly-pulled Guinness.

Today marks for me one year since I started working with the Wise Elders at Raphael House, although I've been gone for about a month now. Trying to re-engage a program that in its past had been robust and incredible was a challenge. Unfortunately, because of the changes that have happened at Raphael House, I doubt that the program will continue.

When Raphael House was first getting started on Sutter Street, the original grants required that the community establish programs for the neighborhood elderly, many of whom were in need of the communal experience and life which was at the heart of life in that place. Some pretty incredible people brought this all to life, starting poetry groups, sewing circles, craft clubs, exercise classes, outdoor explorations, all for folks of retirement age. There was a senior lounge set aside on the first floor, and special holiday meals for those whose families were gone or far away. As the community shifted and changed, this part of Raphael House disappeared.

In 2010, we made the first attempt to try this again. I input data, sorted names and addresses, planned menus and activities, worked with Carmela to bring this all together. Initially it was difficult. For the first handful of weeks, we had Jerry and Sally, who were longtime friends of Raphael House, and later a few others who straggled along. We met once a week for tea and a hearty snack, and some sort of activity like painting or writing or games. For months we labored along averaging about 5 or 6 people each week. When I left a few weeks ago, we had doubled our numbers!

I really miss these folks. Sally with her self-effacing jokes, Jerry with his interminable stories, Gayle with her enthusiastic craftiness and penchant for activism, Jonny with his quiet manner, Mary with her hesitant openness to new things, Grace with her helpfulness and care for others, Mike with his children's book about Brazil, Joe with his flirty jokes, and all the rest with each of their own lovely quirks and traits.

The best part is that we got to be together.

I don't know that this will continue for much longer, and certainly there is little support for re-establishing the kind of program there was before. But this experience has definitely got me thinking about moving toward some sort of career working with older folks.

Let me sing for my beloved a love song concerning his vineyard: My beloved had a vineyard on a very fertile hill. He digged it and cleared it of stones, and planted it with choice vines; he built a watchtower in the midst of it, and hewed out a wine vat in it; and he looked for it to yield grapes, but it yielded wild grapes.

This is excerpted from today's lectionary reading from Isaiah 4:2-5:7. What impressed me is the care that the beloved has for the vineyard, the preparation. Before any grapes were even yielded, a wine vat was prepared. Isn't this where we find ourselves during Lent? Taking a step back, I see the watchtower in my life - living in its shadow, I forget it. Look, there is the pile of stones in the corner of the field, all of the weights and burdens which have been removed. And there is the wine vat in the ground, ready-made for the celebratory culmination of careful vine-tending. The furrows are traced across the hill, the stakes are placed evenly and orderly, the wire is wound up between them - safety, structure, space, for growing.

And still, wild grapes.

my only goal for saturday is to not spend any time in or on my bed. because that's all i did yesterday. so let's get moving, shall we?

yesterday at work was super cheery, and all the children were delightful. except for maybe my 7th period 8th grade history class. but i don't really expect a lot from them at 2:45 on friday afternoon. and that's my favorite class anyway. so that's good times. but later in the day i felt terrible and lonely. i spent the afternoon/evening/night hanging out on my bed, watching bad tv and movies, and crocheting. which is okay, i guess. if you're 70. i actually got a lot of crochet work done, which kind of feels good. i enjoy crocheting, but i'm an extravert. i only like crocheting because i need something to do when i am by myself, and making things feels really good. my blanket is almost done. hooray!

i want to get out and do things today. i only have a few ideas for how to spend my time though. these all involve shopping. which is not the brightest idea since my income is much more limited than before. i think that i will hit up some great thrift stores. i'm always looking for new tops (patterns only), and i am in the market for a cool pair of leather sandals to wear with this great batik print skirt. not that i will be wearing anything that summery any time soon. summer in san francisco is still about 5 or 6 months away. so here's the agenda.

• get dressed, and look good. drink st. john's wort to feel better.
  
• walk around golden gate park for an hour or so.
• end up around 9th and lincoln, in the sunset (woof) and go to crossroads thrift.
• make my way over to the mission and go to clothes contact, get coffee at four barrel. or chocolate at bi-rite (but i really hate that place). resist the urge to go to the yarn store.
• go to DSW, if appropriate sandals have not been found, and look for sandals that cost less than $30.
• bring my crocheting and my book with me, so that there is at least always something to do.

okay. tea first, then clothes, and then OUTSIDE.

Friday Night Plans

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I literally just went "ACK" because I was so caught up in my work, that I didn't realize 6 PM was drawing nigh.

6 PM = church time, and the students aren't allowed to be late. I only made it on time once this week. Boo.

So since I am going to be so late, I figured I'd stop and blog about it. But look at what I accomplished!



I hung this hella heavy mirror, and FINALLY put my icons on the wall.

Time to pull on a long skirt over my jeans and run to church!

My family has signed up for a 5K run at Disneyland in September. Not wanting to ever be left out, I signed up too. Well, you see, it's not that any of them will be running. Neither my father nor my brother are actually capable of running 3.1 miles, and my mother probably will stay with them. My aunt, however, somehow ended up be the athletic one in the family. And I mean the only one. I will chalk it up to genetic mutation. She'll be running though. A 5K is like her morning run.

My dilemma is this: I could walk it, with my family, or get my act together and run it. To compound this, I hate running. I have always hated running. WHY ARE YOU RUNNING? This will be me running for an hour straight (an hour, right?).

Of course, September is a long ways off, so that means I would have a lot of time to prepare. If I were serious about this, I would be able to run more than 5K by the time September comes. I have the time these days to do it.

I found this training schedule, which has walking days. This is excellent, because I have really nice places around me to walk, or at least I can walk to do my errands and shopping. I can even use an app on my iPhone to keep track of things.

So I guess in the course of writing this post, I have talked myself into beginning this. I'll get all the logistics worked out, and then I'll start on Monday, I suppose.

Hm.

So.

Today I felt okay about the way everything was going as it happened. But as the day wore on, and my students wore on me (are you really talking in church while everyone is making prostrations? REALLY?!?!?), I did not feel all that great about how things had been so far.

I am not really sure why this happened. Maybe because my room wasn't clean this morning. But probably because I got really frustrated with the girls during church.

Lent means extra temptation! I can barely handle all the temptation I have during the rest of my life. But Lent.

New Beginnings

Well, this is sort of a new beginning.

I've blogged before, so this is nothing new, but I was on tumblr and quite honestly, it was rather distracting. And I didn't actually write anything. I just posted pictures that other people took. Which isn't really cool.

A few basics, I guess.

I want this to be a place to write about serious things, funny things, religious things, irreverent questions, irritations, joys, discoveries, etc.

Basically, my life.

I live in San Francisco, I teach at a small K-12 school, I go to church a lot and try. My dad likes to quote Yoda at me: "There is no try, only do or not do" or something like that. It doesn't always help, and that's never been my philosophy, but that might be because I am lazy.

Tomorrow we'll get to other things, I guess, but for now, I am tired and sick and so would like to sleep.