In the car on the way home from Goodbye Alexander Part One, we were talking about love.

Kellie thinks you can only be in love for real only once. Zak retold a story about a girl who was in love with love, who thought that each time you were in love was the really only true love, and that each new love invalidated each old love, no matter how real that love was to begin with; that is, each time you are in love is the only true one, until it happens again. Clif thinks that there are lots of complicating factors, that there isn't just ONE TRUE LOVE (R).

I didn't really chime in except to be generally negative, because, well...I don't have a lot of reasons in general to be positive about the subject. When we said love, we meant spousal, romantic love, not familial or friendship kinds of love.

This is probably not even something worth thinking about, because it's not relevant to my life currently, nor will it be relevant in the near future, but I just have no clue what love is all about. I think that you can conceivably love lot of different people (although maybe not at the same time), and that you can make marriage work with lots of different people.

Kellie said, "The kind of love where you make a choice or a decision, that only comes once." But I suppose if you're making the decision to love someone then you can do it as many times as you need to, with all sorts of people. I will grant that maybe there is a perfect person, although that really seems to be a matter of chance - being in the right place at the right time and saying the right thing and not being a total idiot. But it doesn't work that way for everyone, and lots of people just make it work.

I don't really know how to tell if you're in love. I'm pretty sure I was in love with this guy in high school. I never really stopped feeling affection for this person, and I never felt disdain for him, as I eventually did for the scads of young men who mostly scorned me. Even now, he was the only person who dealt with our friendship well, despite the fact that I was crazy about him.

In any case, I have few expectations. I'd really like to be a romantic, I think, but it hurts too damn much at this point.

• All of my clothes are clean!
• The sun just came out!
• I am really hungry!
• I wish I had something fun to do today!
  

so long so long so long

I like lists, so.

• It is RAINING in San Francisco. On June 28. And I like it, I really do. I have always said that it is absurd that the summer San Francisco sky is a white, glowing mass hovering above our heads. It is too bright to look at, but there is no reward for enduring it. But today it rained, it rained all morning and into the afternoon. Now there is fog settled between the houses and buildings, deep with the last vestiges of obscured light, and the shadow of a large tree ten blocks away is fading into the dark.
• The rain makes me feel nostalgic for the winter. It also makes me look forward to buying rainboots come early November.
• Sarah came to visit and I loved it so much. She made me dinner when I had an irrational breakdown on Friday and poured my shots when I finally made it back to a happy place. We went to new restaurants and settled in among the pre-Pride partiers in the topmost corner of Dolores Park, two days in a row. She made me go dancing despite my reservations and her good vibes helped me get lots of dances, even though I'm brand new still. We operate on very different time tables, and sometimes we drive each other crazy but she is one of my most faithful friends. Who else would still love me and encourage me when I send lovelorn text messages at 1 in the morning after drinking with What's His Face.
• I still have yet to hear back from prospective employers. I had my heart set on one of these two jobs, so I will ease myself back into the search simply by perusing the listings. I will then, tomorrow, sit in the cafe until I have applied to five. Thursday I will send my resume to a temp agency. I wish someone would just pay me for being my awesome self.
• July is always busy with visitors. Dear visitors, please spread yourselves out over the course of the year. You make me happier that way.
• I am going to try to write something tonight. WRITING. I have been forcing myself to read more, even if it is not a whole book. A short story here. A poem there. A fairy tale. An ENTIRE news article. Editorials. Reflections of beauty. I am going to try. It will be really terrible but I am going to try.